On Being An “It Girl”.
This is a topic that I contemplated writing a couple of months ago, but decided that I was uncomfortable putting this out in the community. However, in the last couple days, I’ve read a variety of comments about the blogging community and I have been inspired to write a little bit about what it feels to be an influential blogger — and what it feels like to an outsider. This might seem like it’s directed just to the diabetes community, but it’s not. This is for everyone.
I also want to say that this is not a response to any particular person in particular, but is a culmination of months — actually, years — of conversations about what it means to be in a blogging community. I’m sure there will be people who disagree with my thoughts and maybe will think I’m stuck-up or delusional or wrong (and hey, all 3 could be true), and I welcome discussion, but please — be nice.
I am an influencer.
At least, that’s what people tell me.
Specifically, I am an influencer in the diabetes community. I have been blogging in the diabetes community for seven years. I have attended social media summits with Roche Diabetes and Medtronic Diabetes. I have been published in newspapers, appeared on local TV, and featured on a couple of podcasts. I have met the presidents and former presidents of most of the diabetes organizations, and most of them actually know who I am (and if they don’t, their assistants probably do).
It’s pretty cool, actually. And it certainly isn’t something that happened over night. I started doing diabetes advocacy soon after I was diagnosed, and I became even more active in creating my own advocacy projects when I was in high school. I launched my first diabetes website over 10 years ago. There even remains some evidence of it online. A lot has changed since then. In addition to even more platforms and tools (Facebook wasn’t even a glimmer in Zuckerberg’s eye), the community has also grown a lot. It’s wonderful and awesome to see so many people joining in the Diabetes Online Community, but it’s also a tad overwhelming. One of the most common things I hear people say — and this actually goes for anyone who is in any kind of blogging community — is how much time it takes to keep up with everyone. There are just so many of us. That’s not a judgement call — it’s just a fact.
Somehow, through the years, I became an influencer. I don’t know how that happened, because I certainly haven’t had diabetes the longest. I’m not in particularly good diabetes control. I’m not even particularly eloquent or brilliant or funny or outgoing. I’m kind of shy and a bit of a dork and I don’t always know what to say to people. I can be funny and witty, but it’s usually an accident when it happens.
In any event, I was fortunate enough to be thought of as an “influencer” in the diabetes community. Which is cool, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like this “influencer” group has come under a lot of heat in the last couple of years — both directly in blog posts and tweets and also indirectly — because many people feel like the diabetes community has formed cliques. We are “cliquey.” That we ignore people or don’t like people for one reason or another. I want to respond to some of this.
The first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry. I’m not apologizing for anything in particular that I did, but I know that there are a lot of people in the diabetes community who don’t feel included in things, like meet-ups or events or discussions. I get the impression that people feel there is a hierarchy similar to high school, where there is a separation between the cool kids and the not-cool kids. People don’t understand why some of us are always invited to certain things, while others aren’t. And let me say this: I completely agree. It really sucks that not everyone can come. In the case of corporate events, I understand the reasons: it costs money for companies to invite people, so eventually some kind of list has to be created. Did I wish it were more inclusive? Yes. Do I wish it more diverse? Yes. Do I like being included on the list? Yes. It’s a complete honor, I do my very best to represent the crew, and it’s also fun. Sorry, speaking truth here.
Another thing I want to say is that this community is enormous. And that’s GREAT. Well, I mean, I wish there were less people with diabetes, but given the option between living with diabetes alone and living with diabetes with the DOC, I’m sure as heck glad you found us! But one thing I want to say is that it is impossible to be close, personal friends with everyone. Trust me, I’ve tried. Remember my earlier comment about keeping up with all the blogs? It’s really hard to follow everyone personally, so eventually groups do form. Certain moms will become closer with certain moms. Some of us Type 1s will form closer bonds with other type 1s. You might even end up inviting a couple of these ladies to your wedding. That does not mean that people don’t like you or don’t want to be friends with you. Think of it this way: were you friends with everyone you went to high school with? No, of course not. Did you hate everyone you went to high school with? No, of course not (oh, come on! You had to have to liked someone). There were some people you clicked with more than others — and that’s normal!
Because the community is so large, sometimes it can be difficult to make sure everyone knows everything that’s going on with conferences and meet-ups and what-not. It can lead to a lot of hurt feelings when you think that you’ve been left off the invite list. There are loads of things that I’ve had the opportunity to go to, and there are loads of things that I missed. It’s not that you’re being left off a list, it’s just that sometimes it can be difficult to make sure everyone knows everything because there are so many of us. It isn’t anyone’s fault, and it certainly isn’t because we don’t like you.
It’s a serious bummer when it happens. Trust me, there have been many times where I have wanted to go somewhere or I have wanted to be close, personal friends with another blogger — and this has happened in both in the diabetes community and in other blogging communities — but it sometimes just doesn’t work out.
Yep, I — a proclaimed “influencer” — have felt like an outsider on more than one occasion. Do I blame the other bloggers? No, I don’t. Even though it hurt to feel like I wasn’t being included or that I wasn’t liked as much as another blogger, I also realized that some personalities don’t mesh well, even if we do share dysfunctional pancreases. Dysfunctional pancreases make us all part of the diabetes community and that means we should all support each other and be kind — but it doesn’t make us insta-BFFs.
But just because we’re not insta-BFFs does not mean we have the right to hurt other bloggers. There has been a lot of conversation in recent days on the language and tone used toward other bloggers, and I just want to say: Being a jerk is wrong. Maybe you were gone that day in kindergarten, but being an ass to people does not endear you to anyone and will not help your cause or help you make friends. That said, everyone is well within their right to have their own opinions about life. Diversity is what makes the world go round, but crappy people bring it down. Communities as large as this one often have a variety of perspectives, and we have to be respectful, even if we don’t agree, even if we don’t particularly like the person. It’s something that we’re sorely missing in society as a whole, and our community in particular.
Okay, so we’ve covered three main issues: it’s easy to feel left out, you can’t be friends with everyone, and mean people suck.
But maybe you don’t believe that I really know what it’s like to be an outsider. Early last year, I decided I didn’t want to devote as much time to writing about diabetes on Lemonade Life. I was getting tired of talking about my everyday life with it, and then in January, I started writing about it full-time at DiabetesMine. I began slowly incorporating more “twentysomething” topics and started to develop relationships with other twentysomething bloggers. And you know what? Now I’ve switched roles. In the twentysomething community, very few people know who I am. I have some very wonderful twentysomething readers now, but it’s small compared to twentysomething bloggers who have been doing it longer. I am never asked to do a giveaway or visit some company’s headquarters or form a blogger/company partnership. I get fewer comments and hits. I’m a newbie. I’m not an It Girl. I crave the attention and friendship of other twentysomething bloggers, and sometimes it hurts when I feel like I’m not part of that community.
It takes a great deal of effort to make friends in real life, and it also takes a great deal of effort to make friends online. And just like you can’t be friends with everyone in real life, you also can’t expect to be friends with everyone online. That doesn’t mean allowing for rudeness, but it does mean understanding if someone doesn’t comment on every single blog post, or retweets you, or wants to give you full access to their Facebook profile.
So I just want you to know that I get it. I get it because I’m in both camps. I know how much it hurts to not be “in” with the bloggers you think are cool, to be jealous of the attention they get, and wonder how they got where they are — and trust me, half the time, they are wondering the same thing!
I also know what it’s like to be a leader, to want everyone to feel included, and to support and counsel those who need it because you know how much you appreciate it when people support you.
A lot of people talk about cliques in the blogging community — in every blogging community. And the truth is, I think it’s natural. I think it’s natural to form bonds with a few particular people whom you share not only a dysfunctional organ or a passion for running or an adoration for alcoholic beverages. I have formed bonds with a few people who I can count on to support me during the rough times, and I appreciate the wider network of acquaintances that I have. I am part of a big, wide wonderful community, but within that, I have developed an even closer network of people I can count on. I support and listen to as many people as I can, but I also understand my limits and I know that spreading myself around and trying to invest deeply in everyone I meet is not healthy for me. It’s not healthy for you, either, and you’re putting too much pressure on yourself if you’re going to try.
There are so many people out there who are looking for you. There are people who are in your shoes, who need a friend, a hug, a shoulder to cry on. It might not be me, but there is definitely someone out there for you. You are not alone in your struggles.
I want very much to be friends with everyone, and it is painful to feel rejected when my advances in friendship are spurned or ignored. I’ve been there. I imagine that many of the bloggers I look up to and respect sometimes feel the same way, too. It’s hard to want to build intimate relationships with your blogging community, while also realizing you have limited time, energy and resources. And I’m learning to be okay with the limitations of community. I am eager to make new friends, but I am learning to be realistic in what that looks like.
I love getting to know my readers and I love getting to know the people I read. But friendship and community should not have so much pressure and so many expectations built into it. I believe that is one of the main causes of hurt feelings, and that’s why I felt like I needed to write this post.
You are all so precious and a blessing. Whether or not we become close, personal friends, I want you to know you are valuable to the community as a whole and you have the right to be heard. Please do not let anything stand in your way. You belong here and we are glad you’re with us on this crazy ride.
Thank you for a very thoughtful post Allison! I appreciate both points of view you present, although I’ve tried many times to make contact with people in the DOC via twitter and have often been ignored. It’s difficult when you’re making the effort to engage in the community and feeling shoved out before even being given a chance.
I think Twitter can be a very difficult place to get started in the DOC. I know for me, personally, I sometimes can’t always tell who the person is or I don’t have a frame of reference. Blog comments are actually a lot easier, because the name, blog URL and comment are all right next to each other. That’s just how it is for me. I don’t know who you are contacting, but I know there are so many people who feel the same way… Ya’ll need to find each other!
I can’t imagine anyone being offended by this (but then again, I always try to think the best of others). You touched on one of the major facts of life. Sometimes we just meet someone and hit it off and other times it just doesn’t happen. No one is wrong or bad. All of us are just different. Even if we aren’t friends, I still think you’re cool and I applaud you for being courageous enough to put yourself out there like this.
Oh, I don’t know… I guess I’m always afraid someone will take something the wrong way! I’m glad you didn’t and thank you for leaving a comment! I think you’re cool too.
Really interesting read, Allison. I have to admit, I’ve had moments where I sometimes feel like I’m yelling into a void despite the DOC. Since I’m not one to rush into blame, I’ve thought a lot about why that is.
My blog didn’t start out as a D-blog. I just happened to develop Type 1, and as goes life, so goes the blog. Once I discovered that the DOC existed (it took awhile), I was hooked. I LOVED reading about the experiences of others. I remember being so excited the first time another diabetes blogger commented on one of my posts. Such support! So incredible! I can honestly say that I’ve learned more about diabetes and how to live this life through the DOC than any other type of research. And research? I do it like it’s my job. Oh wait, it is
But, I often write posts that get absolutely no response. I usually am ok with that. I don’t really base my self-worth on blog comments. I do find it disappointing sometimes, though, especially when I feel like I’ve written something good or something that I think would speak to a lot of people. But I deal. The other day, I tweeted a question in the hopes that someone could help me out with a Lantus question and I got NO response. Silence. My most viewed and most commented-on blog post ever? Tweeted by Kerri and linked to at DiabetesMine. It’s just how it works, and I get that.
I know that I’m not an influencer, but I also know that it is partially (if not mostly) my fault. I do comment on blogs sometimes, but I lurk far more often. It’s hard to keep up with the 25 or so that I subscribe to. I’m busy! Also, I was late to the twitter game, have never owned a smart phone, and live in a time zone where participating in DSMA means being up in the middle of the night. I know I won’t be getting any conference invitations or sponsorships through any companies, but in reality I don’t have the time for it.
So, this is a novel of a comment. Sorry! In sum: I would love to feel “in” with the cool kids, to sometimes feel more support from the community, but it just isn’t that way. This is partially my fault and partially just the way the world works. I won’t be “leaving” the DOC anytime soon. I just have to keep being realistic.
You hit the nail on the head with a couple of things: first, commenting on other blogs is SO important. I mean, really, no one will know you’re here if you don’t make yourself known. A lot of blogs I read are because someone followed me on Twitter or left a comment, and then I’ll see a link on Twitter or I’ll check out their blog when they leave a comment. If I “click” with them, then things will progress, but that doesn’t happen to anyone. Second, staying engaged consistently is really important. A lot of people — like you! — are just super busy. It really has more to do with time than anything, in my opinion.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. As we’ve talked about this whole thing some in the past, I continue to agree with your thoughts on this. The evolution of the diabetes community online and navigating the growth have presented new challenges that just didn’t exist back in the days you and many got started years back. But it presents new issues that surface even if we don’t realize it, because that’s how humans operate. I think we do get so behind the “influencers” and “big names” in the community, and sometimes that in itself breeds the very thing we’re trying to avoid – even if those people themselves aren’t driving that attention or designation. Who knows how we deal with all that down the road and what it leads to as far as involvement, but as long as we’re respectful and not jerks, I think that sometimes we’re doing the best we can. Great post, Allison.
The DOC is definitely suffering some serious growing pains, and has been for awhile. I’m not really sure what the best solution is, but hopefully people don’t get so down on themselves. That’s what upsets me the most, and it’s not intentional, but I just wonder what we, as a community, can do to lessen the hurt that people feel when they try to join an already established group. It’s not that we don’t want people to join, it’s just how do we go about making sure everyone feels heard.
This is a wonderful post Allison. You know how proud I am of the way you are growing as a writer so I don’t need to repeat that. But I want to! I’m so proud of the way you are growing as a writer.
The topic is a good one because I really believe the more voices we can have — and not even in harmony — the more we can be heard. I just started blogging in April. Swore I’d never do it but decided to for one simple reason: Old fuddy-duddy me nad to realize that if I want to continue to be a person of influence in the D community, I had to start blogging. I’ve had some pretty remarkable success (well on my own personal scale of success). The blog I wrote yesterday is getting read at the same clip as the famed Scott Brown blog. Outstanding. I feel like I’ve made a difference.
As for the DOC: It might not suppose to be this way: but it DOES feel like a club, and one that I’m not in. That might be the way it is supposed to be and that might be okay — it’s a free world and no one is FORCED to befriend or team up or support anyone they don’t want to. I don’t call myself a part of the DOC because I don’t feel like I am and it might be rude (like crashing a wedding ha ha!) Manners first.
I have retweet envy. I’m envious — not mad — when you guys all retweet one another’s blogs. That doesn’t happen too often to me (thanks Kelly and Scott though
) and in some ways, I think FB sharing and RT’ing is a kind of “DOC seal of approval” we newbies strive for. Does that make sense?
Still — I got RT’d today by a world-famous author, and I”m sure that brought more reads from even outside the D world than I could ever wish for.
But I kind of sorta wanna be in the club. Did that sound like a sixth grade girl begging to sit at the cool lunch table? That’s because it’s not just the DOC — it’s life. Everything we know we learned in kindergarten, right?
You’ve never been anything but wonderful to me and I think the world of you. Oh! And just to make this longer!! I really related to your thing about feeling different somewhere else. Because in the ski world . . . . I am kind of a rock star. I get invited to EVERYTHING and every writer wants to hang out with me. Kind of the same with JDRF (for the most part). But like you — I earned that spot.
I hope I can earn it in this world too.
Again, I loved your post. But to know, for me it’s not anger or mean-spirited jealousy: It’s truly just a goal to want to make a difference, have a voice and be thought of as someone kinda sorta like you guys!
You’re right, it does feel like a club but it’s not supposed to… I think that’s what makes me so sad. I don’t really know where that came from. I think that relationships just naturally formed, and I think they will continue to form in different ways for people. I don’t really see RTing as being a “seal of approval” but I feel the same way about comments most of the time. Like, why don’t more people want to interact with me on my blog? Sometimes I feel left out when I see people just commenting on each other’s blogs but then I realize, I have certain people who comment regularly on my blog and I realized that they are my mini-community. I don’t need EVERYONE to comment or RT me to feel like I’m part of the DOC or the 20something community. I’m part of it by default, regardless of how much attention I get. It’s just like being part of any community, or being an American. I don’t need to know or be friends with EVERYONE in this country to know that I’m still part of it.
Thank you for saying this better than I could!
I wanna be part of the 20-something community! Alas, that ship sailed a long time ago. Ha ha. I think it’s hilarious that I feel that was about retweeting. I laugh at myself all the time!
My Other Half’s goatee struck me as much whiter than usual this morning and I had to ask, when the [expletive deleted] we grew so old. Candles on the birthday cake are one thing, looking like someone’s grandparents (especially since we don’t have children) is something else. Though largely, I’m better and healthier at 50 than I was at 30… so there ::sticking tongue out at “old” designation::
Allison, this is a well-written post that sums up much of what I think many are feeling. I’m glad you wrote it.
I think it boils down to human nature – we all want to feel loved, accepted, and like we “belong”. It’s true everywhere in life – not just in the diabetes community. I sometimes wonder if our efforts to band together (i.e. the inside jokes we all have that people WITHOUT diabetes don’t necessarily understand) are sometimes the very same things that can drive some of us away – because if you came in late and didn’t follow the joke from its infancy, it feels like you’re on the outside of it, right? Even when it was designed to make you feel included!
Like you, I’m not sure how to “fix” this dilemma. I personally try to respond to every Twitter mention, FB comment, etc… but I also have a full-time job and other commitments in life. We’re all human, and maybe simply don’t have the time or ability to interact and reciprocate as thoroughly as we would like. We can’t do and be everything we’d like. And that makes me sad, even when there isn’t anything I can do to change that. I hope that those who don’t see the responses they’d like don’t feel shunned. Our community of PWDs should be a place of acceptance and strength – at least, that’s how I envision it.
Even I’ve had a “WTF?” reaction to some of the inside jokes. It can definitely take some getting used to, or having the guts to ask someone. I actually never even thought that would potentially give someone the wrong impression about our community. That’s a very good point. I do hope people see the DOC as a place of acceptance and strength, and hopefully both newbies and veterans can work together to achieve that. Maybe we need some kind of blogging match-making service?
I am So SO SO SO glad Oh SO Glad you wrote this, Allison!!! I’ve been invited, missed out, blog, tweet, FB, work for a non-profit for diabetes…. and I feel like an Outsider Every Single Day.
No one means it. The community is not intentionally leaving anyone out. I started, what, 4 yrs ago, it’s HUGE now. To keep up with all…. my heart would explode. I want to reach out, touch all of you, ha, and let you know it’s ok. And some days I need that too.
It goes both ways – even if someone says we are this or that, good or bad, we’re going to feel the exact opposite at any moment.
We’re only human. The expectations of a virtual community should not put anyone under. We’re all here for the same cause/reason.
Thank you again, Allison. This is such an important topic, imho.
Thanks for such a sweet comment! And isn’t it crazy how easily it is to feel like you’re on the “outs.” It is so hard to keep with it all, even though I really REALLY want to. My hope is that the people who feel like they aren’t part of the community will find each other, and then we can all be part of the bigger, wider DOC network. Sometimes our “community” feels more like a metropolis!
Great post, Allison. I’ve been blogging for four years & still so often feel “out” of the blogging community – if you can even call blogging a community. It’s HUGE! I get fewer hits, fewer comments, fewer emails, almost no pitches – people don’t know who I am, & I don’t like that. But I also refuse to cave into “twee” blogging, pretty things & beautiful photography & trying to make my life as lovely as some of the popular bloggers I read. I think pretty (blogs, not necessarily people!) makes for popular because people like to escape into fantasylands, especially if they feel that fantasyland is real for someone else & maybe could someday be real for them. Do I wish my blogging were so funny & compelling that everyone who visited would the need to read EVERY DAY? Yes. Do I wish someone influential would discover my blog & send me spiraling into blog-fame? Yes. Do I waste a lot of time feeling bad that these things aren’t happening? No.
Thanks for this post. It’ a good reminder for all of us that no matter how influential you are – or not – everyone feels left out sometimes, everyone can have their feelings hurt by jerks, & everyone has something to offer.
See, this is exactly how totally twisted things are in the blogosphere because I’m thinking, “DUDE! You’re awesome! What do you mean you feel like an outsider.” But that’s the thing — I think EVERYONE feels like that at some point. Probably even those who are “famous” and even if they aren’t, the famous ones probably feel really bad they can’t keep up with everyone who wants to be their friend. I imagine it’s a lot of pressure, and then you feel bad when someone tries to cut you down for it. In any event, I subscribe and read your blog, even if I don’t always comment. Because, you know, sometimes I’m a bit of a jerk…
i’ve struggled with this as well – i think every blogger has. it is so natural for certain relationships to just “click”, and others don’t, and some reside somewhere in the middle. i know i’ve had people comment on my blog and i have no interest in theirs, and i know i comment on more “popular” blogs that probably don’t have the time/interest in me or mine. it’s one of those natural facts of life that can just suck.
nonetheless, your first points are most important – don’t be a jerk. i personally find it rude when i send a compliment to someone on twitter and they never respond. to me, that’s like telling a coworker “nice dress”, and they just keep walking. it doesn’t take a ton of time or energy to respond to a tweet…you know?
in any case, good analysis of both sides – thank you for sharing it!
I agree, I think people need to work on Twitter responses. I know I have failed on more than one occasion (and now, of course, feel really guilty). I think Twitter is a hard place to develop a close relationship. I have left tweets for people who don’t respond, but I try not to take it personally. I try to remember that they probably saw it while doing something else, and then you forget and then it’s like the next day and it’s like, “Do I write back? Is it too late?” I try to remember that a lot of social media is done quickly and on the fly, and it can be hard to keep up but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. Usually if someone consistently doesn’t write me back, then I’ll get a little offended.
I’m super new to the diabetes online community and I just want to know and be friends with everyone. Which you said, is not at all possible.
After creeping on the DOC for awhile (especially on Twitter) I saw the support everyone had and how great of a resource it was, so I asked a question. No one answered! I felt hurt and then it dawned on me that no one knows who the heck I am! After reading so many blogs and tweets I felt like I had formed relationships, but in reality I was just watching. You really hit the nail on the head there. (Someone eventually did reach out to me and my questions are starting to get answered.)
I have to tell you how I ended up reading your blog (the first blog by a Type 1 I’d ever read). I wanted to start following some diabetes resources on Twitter so I typed in “diabetes” on the search function and you were the first account I clicked on. I’ve been reading your blog since and formed that one-sided relationship because I click with your writing.
I remember when you first followed me because I was like “Oh she works in PR!” I have to admit I haven’t read your blog very much, but I do notice your tweets. Although I apparently have never seen any of your questions, otherwise I totally would have responded. I really need to get more organized with Twitter, because I feel like I’m missing out on a lot.
Thanks, you taught me the term “hypo-unaware”! I’m in the minority of Twitter-obsessed people.
HA! This post is GREAT! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like I’m out in left field picking dandelions while so many people are in the infield making great plays! I’ve only been blogging since February so I’m still new at this but I so often feel like maybe I’m not doing a very good job at expressing my feelings or not discussing relavent issues. Why? Because I rarely get comments. I know people are reading but not many people comment. I recently signed up for Twitter so I could be more involved and find out what’s going on in the DOC. I understand about friendships and “cliques”. It is like HS but never in a mean or hurtful way. It is what it is. Some days I’m ok with that and other days I’m not. That’s MY problem and certainly not because of anything anyone has done. Humans can be so sensitive!! Thus far, I’ve been met with pleasantness and humor. I like my niche. Who knows, maybe some day I’ll have a larger following but even if I never do that’s ok because I’m writing to keep myself motivated and it’s working. Hopefully someone will glean some benefit as well. Thanks for writing this. I feel better knowing I’m not alone.
Girl, I’ve been blogging for 7 years and I still get posts with no comments! Personally, I think it’s luck of the draw what resonates with people and what doesn’t. The more you blog and the more you comment, the more you will see your site grow. That’s really what it is. You just have to get out there and make yourself known, because it’s very unlikely people will be able to find you otherwise. I’m so glad you commented because now I know who you are! What’s your Twitter handle? Are we following each other?
@sweetenedKate and I’m following you now!
This is a really great post. It is human nature and I always try to tell people that start out to understand that when people don’t know you and they’re busy, it’s going to be lonely for a while.
There is also that thing about whether or not two people click, which you mentioned. I spent over a year commenting on 20+ of my favorite blogs every single day, feeling good about sending out support and cheering on others. I was excited to make some connections but in reality only about three or four of those people ever commented on my blog in that huge span of time. And my blog has decent readership. I even commented on many of your posts for a year and never heard back (which is totally fine). But eventually, since I’m a busy person, I stopped commenting on so many blogs and spent more time and energy with a few new relationships that were not just one-way. And no hard feelings. If someone doesn’t relate to me at all, that’s perfectly understandable. I don’t relate to everyone, either.
When I have time I read all the blogs I used to comment on (like now!) and I totally appreciate what they have to say and feel a sense of unity, based on all our similar struggles with diabetes. Sometimes it is lonely in such a big group. You reach out, hear crickets, and just have to wait until you find someone who wants to connect back. It’s just the way it is.
It’s not true that the DOC always provides support so maybe that saying shouldn’t be thrown out there as if it were definite truth. I’ve blogged about depression, finding out about my 8 month old daughter’s severe peanut allergy, and other gloomy topics and got nothing. But with time, and maybe this is the key, I’ve met a small group of people that cheer me on and send me support when I need it.
As far as how we help this problem…I think it’s good to open communication about this the way you have in this post and to let others know that it takes time and patience and commitment. Also, I think more people could use getting to know each other in person. Wouldn’t it be cool if diabetes bloggers from every city or area could gather and meet in person? That’s really the best way to bond with people, I think. The internet is pretty crowded and there is no eye to eye contact.
So to close this really long comment, thanks for writing about this. It’s good to confront this sort of sentiment and I think you wrote very eloquently about it and I agree that kindness and respect is the best way to go.
I think you really nailed it with a couple of things. First, relationships take time to develop, so it’ll take a little bit before people have a chance to get to know you, whether that’s through Twitter or blogs. There’s a lot going on, so sometimes you just have to be patient. And second, I think commenting is SUPER important in getting involved in the DOC, but even that takes time and there can be severe commenting burnout because it’s just hard to keep up. That’s pretty much what happened with you, I think. I love ya (had so much fun in Raleigh!) but I am a notoriously bad commenter. I’ve actually gotten a lot more focused on commenting on 20sb blogs, because that’s the community I’m trying to grow in. The diabetes community? Not as much lately. I tend to talk about diabetes a lot more on Twitter than on blogs these days. But I think I’m also realizing that I need to tend to those relationships as well or they will fade and I won’t have them when I need them.
Allison, thank you for writing this. I share many of the feelings you do. In a perfect world, we, as bloggers, members of the DOC, and humanity in general, would be able to be all things to all people. In reality, that’s just not possible. For one reason or another. What we can do, though, is be civil and respectful toward each other. We don’t have to agree on everything, nor do we actually have to like everyone, but as you put it, there is no need to be an ass about it. That’s just not cool.
All the best!
Exactly — I think there’s a lot of insight to be gained from realizing we can’t be all things to all people, but also to be more intentional about our efforts. I definitely think being civil and respectful is a lost art amongst the blogging community. Hopefully we can get that back.
I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately, more related the healthy living blogging community that I feel very much on the outside of. However, when I go through old posts – even as far back as 2008/2009 – I have A LOT of the same commenters now that I did then. Not to seem full of myself, but I like to think I’ve become a part of my own little community. There are several bloggers who I NEVER miss commenting on their post, no matter what it’s about, and they never or rarely miss commenting on mine. We are more than just a community, we are friends who video chat, text and go on meet-ups with one other. And that is something that is so special and sacred to me.
Whenever I feel left out of a “community” I think of those close blogging connections I’ve made and remember the saying that is something along the lines of ‘I’d rather have three close friends than a hundred acquaintances’
Interesting post!
Yes yes yes! EXACTLY! That’s exactly what I think people should focus on — mini-communities of several really good friends. Kind of like how life works! I don’t think you sound full of yourself at all, I think you’re a great example of what I’m talking about. We might not be on everyone’s “It List” but we have a solid group of blogging buds, and I think that’s more important than being considering “influential” or having to spend a ton of time commenting on every single blog that talks about the same topic.
I love this post, it’s message is applicable to any growing group, blogging or otherwise and I thank you for posting it!
Thank you! I completely agree, that’s why I wanted to make sure not just diabetes bloggers read this. I really think is applicable to anyone who is part of any blogging community.
Allison, this is a great great post.
For me? It’s all about time. Back in the day I used to be able to read and comment on almost every single diabetes blog I knew about. Now? I’m lucky to read George’s. There just isn’t enough time in the day to read and interact with everyone I’d like to.
So then I fall into the trap of, when I *do* have time, interacting with the same people I have in the past, because I know them, and the interaction comes easy because of the existing relationship.
I wish I could find a way to spit out a list of diabetes blog posts in completely random order, then spend some time each day reading and commenting. It would be like the old days! And I’d find so many great people!
Every time I see a blog comment from Scott K. Johnson, I’m like, “OMG! Scott commented!” Haha. It’s very exciting because it’s so rare.
But completely agree, and I wish it were easier to find the new folks. Diabetes Daily Headlines has helped but even that isn’t necessarily enough, because people have to submit their blogs. It is easy to get in the habit of staying in the same circle.
Thank you for writing about this. I feel the DOC is just like any relationship. You get out what you put in. I know for myself, when I get busy and don’t comment as much on other blogs, I get less comments in return. Clearly you are well established this community, and I think it’s not impossible for someone to be there if they wanted to. I am sure you had to work really hard and countless hours. I think online and in real life we all could work harder on those relationships, and perhaps try to include more people . I know I am constantly seeking new blogs to follow. Thanks again for posting!
Yes — 10 years worth of participating in the DOC and 7 years of blogging. And you know, I still don’t really get that many comments! Most of my blog posts only get 3-5 comments at most, which is very small compared to a lot of other blogs. And that’s because it really is about what you put in. I just don’t comment back as much, and so I don’t think people think to comment on my blog. Most of my conversation stays put on Twitter because that’s where I put a lot more of my effort in relationships. Hopefully some people who have commented on this post are new to you too!
Allison, this was such a poignant post, and really took some balls! I, personally, am glad you had the balls to write about your feelings. You wear so many hats, and I think you are right, time plays such a key role in SO much of this.
You are truly an inspiration. A pump patient of mine is a known blogger, and actually linked you to me a couple of years ago for a piece you were doing. I’m a twenty something, a CDE AND a T1, and I had no grasp on exactly what was out there in terms of the DOC. You singlehandedly introduced me to the DOC, and among other in the biz, inspired me to begin my own blog.
I get what Moira is saying about the “seal of approval”. At times I feel like a crack head sometimes checking, and rechecking to see if I have received a comment, retweet, response, Like….and you can’t help but feel rejected when posting something you felt was a earth skating post, and you end up not even making a rattle!
I follow a gazillion people in the DOC on Twitter, and do at times feel overwhelmed with information, and anxious that I might miss something of importance. I just need to make peace with the fact that I lead a life outside of the DOC, and while I hold many in such diabetic high regard, their approval (or lack of in most cases) does not define me!
Again, thank you for posting this…I have read it twice today, and just kept nodding my head in agreeance with you.
I’m still the same way when it comes to checking and rechecking for comments. Sometimes I only get 1 and other times, like this one, way more, and I think, Wow! And it varies so much on what attracts people. But I think it’s really important to just get out there and get involved and make yourself known, because it’s really hard to just be “found” and discovered. But it’s hard to get a big reaction all the time, even from people who have been blogging for a long time.
Just had another thought. Around people asking questions and not getting answers. I’m personally very hesitant to answer questions around very specific therapy related questions (how many units should I take for this, etc). That’s getting into territory that should be covered between you and your care team, not twitter and facebook. Make sense? I have no idea about that stuff, and would be putting people in danger, physically and legally, if I were to get into specific conversations – right?
Or how Jasmine mentioned asking about Lantus – I don’t use it, never have – so I would have surely not responded. Know what I mean?
I’ll admit I didn’t read all the comments on this post (there are a LOT!!), but I did read the post. I totally understand where you’re coming from. In some ways I’m an “outsider” as far as not getting invited to stuff, but I do feel included since I’ve made friends with so many wonderful people in the D-OC. But I also just started my theatre blog and I totally understand that “outsider” feeling. There are so few of us…and most of my comments (when I get them) are actually from members of the D-OC.
Like you said, it’s impossible to keep up with everyone in the D-OC (I tried for a long time). But you do find people with whom you relate more and connect to more and that’s okay. I love your high school analogy. Very true. I have people that I wasn’t good friends with in high school that I’ve become closer with since (and I’ve seen that happen in the D-OC as well!).
Being kind is just common courtesy. I try to tell people to just keep reaching out. People will find you and you’ll find people.
Thanks for writing this!
Even on my supposed twentysomething blog posts, I still get a lot of comments from the diabetes bloggers. Which is fine. I just think it’s funny! I definitely hope people don’t get the sense that because a lot of bloggers are busy, that means they are being rude. Thanks for commenting!
Well said, Allison
When I saw that you commented, I was like, “OHMYGOD, Shannon commented!” Great to hear from you.
Ha, thank! I have been totally out of the DOC loop for quite a while. It was difficult keeping up with everyone back when it was a smaller group, but now it’s impossible to touch upon everyone’s blogs. If people want to be seen and heard, then blog frequently (as in every day or most days of the week), comment on a lot of other blogs so that people know you’re around, and just realize that the people who are drawn to your blog are the people who you will relate to the best and are meant to be a part of your life. I never got caught up on how many people commented or whether I was touching someone’s life. I wrote and whoever was drawn to it was drawn to it. If I read a blog that I could relate to or touched me in a certain way, then those were the blogs I read on a regular basis. I’d try to read new blogs, but if they didn’t write often, then I wouldn’t check in to see if anything new popped up. Between keeping up with life itself and trying to keep up with all of the blogs, people will get overlooked. It’s the nature of the beast but certainly not an indication of the value of a blogger’s worth. Just keep on blogging!!
I started blogging and stopped because I felt like no one was reading it. LOL. Maybe I’ll try again. I really appreciated this post. When I stopped posting, I stopped reading too (my reader also ended so that was part of it). One of my biggest struggles is wishing I knew about more events – will keep trying to research to know.
Most of the time I find new readers because they have reached out to me. Because you left a comment, I know you now! That makes a huuuuge difference. As for events, you definitely have to stay involved with reading and with participating on Twitter. I try to talk about things I’m going to as often as possible, but it’s hard to make sure everyone knows about everything, because not everyone is on Twitter or reading the right blogs. But stay involved and eventually you’ll find people!
Thank you for this post, Allison. You really hit on so many important points.
I echo the sentiments of many of the people who have posted comments above, so I won’t duplicate them.
I did notice several people mention asking a question on Twitter and not getting a response. I think the time of day matters because sometimes there just aren’t people on. Another strategy is to ask the question of a specific person or people. If I have a question I want a parent to try to answer, I might include a few parents I know in the tweet or maybe I’ll ask people who I know use the same pump or insulin, etc…and I LOVE when other people jump into a conversation I’m having.
That’s right, if you are on Twitter, jump right in!
(And I’m @DMomBlog, please say hello!)
But oh boy, do not tweet me a 5 carb nasty cake recipe and then tell me I’m a bad parent because I feed my child real cake on her birthday. (Block.) I digress, but that’s how MY feelings were hurt online this weekend.
As the number of blogs in my feed reader has increased (and there are 100′s!) my time to be able to comment has also decreased. I read blogs while I’m in carline at school pick up or in line at the bank, but it’s not always conducive to commenting. I’m reading, but people may not realize that I have stopped by their blog. I truly regret that.
Thanks again for the insightful post, Allison. You were one of the first people with diabetes I found online and I appreciate and value the friendship we have cultivated over the past few years.
Twitter is tough… conversation moves so quickly. It definitely helps to talk directly to someone you think knows the answer. I pay more attention to my @ mentions than the stream sometimes because it’s hard to scroll back. And commenting too – I am a big Fail in that category. New Year’s Resolution I say!
Very well said Allison. It’s very difficult for people to step back and consider that we all have different points of view and those stem largely from our individual experiences. Thanks for writing your experiences and sharing your thoughts and observations. Take care –J
Compassion and empathy are big sticking points in getting along in a blogging community. Thanks for stopping by!
I just couldn’t resist myself from commenting on this one, and like everyone else truly appreciated what you said and have definitely felt like I have been on both sides at different points in my experiences with the DOC. But why I couldn’t resist from commenting is because there’s more to this, you are one of the people I think of when I feel like ‘an outsider’ to the DOC.
You were one of the first people I ‘met’ online, and when I literally squealed when I found out you were engaged it dawned on me that true bonds can be formed in the DOC. Yes, there are a lot of us. And I often get overwhlemed feeling as if we should all know each other, and know everything about what everyone is going through but that’s just not possible nor is it necessary. The reason for the DOC is for us to be able to continually remind ourselves that we aren’t alone, because we aren’t. So as this group grows it is more of an outpouring of a reminder of that fact and that’s as comforting as it can get.
If we find one friend in the community who has changed our lives, that’s phenomenal. If we make connections with multiple people who do the same, even better. But as we continue to grow the triumph and momentum will come when we can unite together and continue to learn how to not speak at one another but speak with each other and together to make our voices heard.
I appreciate your influence, your voice, and your openess within our community and will always be thankful that God has crossed our paths. Thanks again for this post, I’ll see you sometime somewhere in the world
Thanks so much for your sweet comment. I completely agree — I try to cherish each individual relationship I have in the community, rather than focusing on “collecting” them so to speak. I think even though there are little subgroups, over all we are still connected and there for each other. That’s been my favorite part of watching the community grow over the past few years.
Excellent post, Allison! I too have felt the disappointment that I have tweeted about my diabetes frustrations and questions, to find that no one “cares enough” to answer. Crazy thinking? Sure. I know rationally that this isn’t true, but getting caught up in the well meaning rhetoric if the DOC, I feel let down, even hurt. Again, crazy, and so I have a little chat with myself and forge on.
I too have felt disappointment that no one has commented on what I think is a pretty good post. But then I remember that “back in the day”, before I was part of the DOC, I started my blog, and only my husband, my parents, and two other kind subscribers read my blog. Sometimes my Dad would comment, and that is what measured as a great day. After a while though, I stopped blogging, and only recently started up again. And now, with the diabetes community out there, I do feel blessed that my words might touch someone – even one person – out there.
But I also can see this from the eyes of a Twitter newbie, recently discovering the blog posts and joining Twitter and the craziness of DSMA, through the eyes of my husband. He now follows a few people, and tweets, but sometimes he doesn’t get heard. But because he follows a few (a reasonable start, I think), he doesn’t know that there may be a running joke or a conversation that people are engaged in because he doesn’t follow the others. I think it is important as being partof the DOC, that we remember what it felt like to be “ignored”. As part of the DOC, it is important that we remember what is bringing these newbies to the group – because the DOC is there for everyone. If this is not the first experience, we might reasonable expect the newbie to shrug their shoulders and move on – that the DOC is nothing more than perhaps a pipe dream.
I don’t think anyone comes into the DOC to expect to become a BFF with anyone. But what I do think they expect is to connect with people who are willing and able to help. Certainly it might take a bit of time to figure out, but I also think that we start thinking as a group – not just as individuals – we can each make a difference by taking on just little responsibility to make sure people are heard when they need to be heard.
I don’t have the answers, and I certainly believe that we can overcome this challenge as a group. It’s not up to each and every one of us to reach out to each and every person out there by the hand, but if we can make sure that we don’t leave people out who are seeking out the DOC. I believe we can walk the talk, and as a group we can do better at reaching out, we just need to put on our thinking caps.
Great points, Jamie! I certainly didn’t mean that everyone who comes into the DOC is looking for a best friend, but even people who are looking for that sense of community might have a hard time depending on their expectations. I have seen many people look at the DOC “insiders” and want to be included in the group, but as many people mentioned, these people have known each other for years. On the other hand, there are a TON of new people who are joining the DOC who are in the same boat, and I wish more people would find each other, rather than simply relying on those who are the most visible. But I think your point about remembering what it felt like at the beginning for us is really important, because even though we might be fine and dandy, this is a crucial moment for a lot of people and we all need to be sympathetic to that. Great thoughts!
What a great post! I know we converse on Twitter occasionally (umm, right now? lol), but I don’t think I have been to your blog. Your writing is awesome! Plus, your picture? I have the same one. Niagara Falls? Mine’s not near as good as yours though!
It’s so easy to feel left out in the blogging community. In fact, I felt it today. I think I needed to read your post. I think there are few bloggers that are intentionally mean (at least in my corner there aren’t!) and that we need a reminder sometimes that being left out of a mass email or not linked to, etc, etc, etc, should not be taken personally and that as a blogger we need to be proactive about it and just say something! I’m sure it was honest.
Anyway, great writing, great post, can’t wait to read more! Hope your day is going great!
Exactly — I don’t think most people go out of their way to be mean. It’s just easy to get stuck in your little social sphere and interact with people whom you’re already comfortable with. That doesn’t necessarily make it right, but it’s definitely true. Thanks for stopping by!
This was a fantastic post Allison and I’ve been struggling with how to explain my feelings in this regard. For me, a lot of the feeling “in” or feeling “out” revolves around my own feelings of self-worth (yes, I have issues)
I want to be able to contribute in a way that helps people, but at the same time I’m uncomfortable getting a lot of attention doing it. And then sometimes I do find myself jealous that I wasn’t included in this or that.
But then I think that “Well, there’s already a ton of good people there, what makes me think I could do better than they?”
I often state that I don’t really care what most people think of me and for the most part that is very true. Honestly, it is a self-defense mechanism… very similar to keeping people at a distance in the real world.
But when I look at a lot of the things I’ve written about depression, guilt, and negative thinking that is opening myself up a lot more than I normally would in a person to person chat. At the same time, tho I get uncomfortable saying things sometimes, I feel that it can help a little; even if it is just for my own sanity.
I can see the clique’s at times… looking at it tho, many of the most prominent seem to form around a life-stage just as you mentioned about 20somethings and that is very important. We all need people around us who understand where we are because they are there too.
I think in any community, especially one that is as dynamic and sometimes, as transient, as the DOC, there will be people that you prefer over other people. We’re all people and that happens in any community, there’s not really anything wrong with that if we still respect each other. I think that is better than trying to “force” some type social-norm (??) on the community as a whole.
One of the other things I say now and again is “I love to agree to disagree. That’s how we get the best solutions”
You? Issues? Nooooo! Haha. I see most of the diabetes cliques forming around particular interests, humor/personality compatibility, and also life stages. I certainly don’t bond as well with moms as I do with other twentysomething PWDs, so there’s definitely that. I also agree that the DOC is quite transient and I always wondered why that was — is it because people feel like they’re being shunned or is it because they realize they don’t need it or is it because maintaining online relationships are just as difficult (sometimes more…) than offline relationships? I think it could be all these things, and I certainly wish no one would leave, but I also realize and respect that everyone has their reasons.
Awesome post, Allison!
I do share your occasional non-it girl angst. I’ve been blogging since 2006. Most of my oldest DOC blog pals, including you, are the kinds of people who are considered the biggest influencers, the activists, the ones who pharma always wants to hear from and invest in. For me, I sometimes get the envious “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” types of feelings because I’ve been around just as long (if not longer) than some.
But I realize I don’t blog every day, and working full-time makes it tough to keep up with tweeting. Sometimes I feel like I am just casting messages out into the air just to see if anybody notices them. I try not to let it bother me.
Like a lot of us here, I’m pressed for time. I just don’t get to read as many blogs as I used to. Wednesday nights often end up being “date night” for me and Matt, so it’s also tough to chime in on DSMA because I’m probably at the movies or at a restaurant or driving somewhere. It seems like every Twitter app freezes my phone at some point or another, so it’s harder to keep up on the go these days too.
I would like to say that I am very appreciative of the friends I’ve made through the DOC. I could say that you’re amazing and inspiring, but even more than that, you’re real. Maybe the DOC isn’t everyone’s cup o’ tea, but for the past 5 years, you guys have been helping me keep it real and keep things in perspective. I’d never had friends with diabetes until I started blogging. It’s a great feeling when you find the people who “get it”. And we all know that.
It’s also a horrible feeling when you think you’ve let those people down. I beat myself up sometimes for not blogging more, or not noticing replies to my tweets, or not keeping up with people’s blogs. In honesty and transparency, I felt sick with myself this year for letting Gina down on her TDR update project, which I volunteered to help with, but found I did not have the time to help with at all. And it’s hard to let people down who you feel are your friends. I didn’t want to tell her no, because I kept hoping I would have the time or the energy, and it just wasn’t there.
I was hurt because I hurt a friend. I was hurt because I was disappointed in myself. I was scared that other people in the DOC would get wind of this and think me irresponsible and selfish. It’s very difficult emotionally when you realize people you know online may not *actually* know you all that well, so while happy things are worthy of praise and good comments, one does wonder if there’s some behind-the-back scorn when you screw up. That’s not just the DOC, that’s any online community. I used to be on a bulletin board for a band I liked back in the day, and I’d worry about things there too. If I said one thing one person found offensive, would this start some kind of flame war below the surface that would lead people to dislike me, even if they didn’t know me at all?
Honestly, most of the blogs I read regularly are still the ones I read regularly 5 years ago. There are times where I feel out of step with the community entirely. (But hey, you can’t hug every cat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP4NMoJcFd4)
I think I agree with Scott J – “I wish I could find a way to spit out a list of diabetes blog posts in completely random order, then spend some time each day reading and commenting. It would be like the old days! And I’d find so many great people!”
I wonder if anybody out there is good enough with coding to make that work. Like D-Blog roulette.
I joined the DOC a few years ago – well, I am assuming I did – on the site which you were running at the time. I had a few from the community follow my blog then and comment, and I followed quite a number of blogs. I eventually stopped blogging, no real reason, probably time constraints, and then life got in the way I guess.
I decided to start blogging again, and blog about diabetes now and then, and some other issues. I guess I am not really a focussed blogger. I would love to be more active in the community, but I have not joined that site again (it seems a bit inactive to me, so was not really sure). I continued to follow a few blogs while not blogging, and still do. And comment whenever I can.
The community was great support – especially at the start when I was new to diabetes and needed support and had a lot of questions. I still do, although today I don’t really get those answers and support anymore – I do not blame anyone though, I have probably not reached out enough. But I don’t think i am a great writer / blogger, so don’t really expect a large or any following in any case. But this is not only with the DoC – I felt even more excluded in a local community I joined than I did when I was part of the DoC some years ago. Because of my location I have always felt somewhat isolated from the diabetes community, but I did not think that this was really much of an issue for me.
I hope to become more active maybe someday. But the community is “clique-y” – but like you said this is not only this community. I felt more excluded in a community I could actually have meet-ups with (and did) than I did in this community a few years ago (not a diabetes related group).
I feel as though I have just said a mouthful of nothing….
I wonder if the DOC (or online communities in general) seem more cliquey because of the transparency of social media. On Twitter, you can easily see who’s talking to whom via their streams and @ replies, and so on. On Facebook, there’s a clear demarcation: either you’re my friend, or you’re not. Blog comments are cached and remain for all eternity as a record of who bothers to reply to someone. Real life, like you said, is filled with large communities made up of smaller subsets and natural friend circles. But we don’t have transcriptions of the dinner dates or conversations over coffee or emails written back and forth. If someone invites you to something, you can tell them personally, “I’m sorry– I’m busy, I have something else planned.” Online, you’re busy…and you never respond. Instant alienation, no?
So I learned a long time ago to be pretty zen about all this. It seems like most people read without commenting. I often read d-blogs during my lunch break or other down moments at work…where our web filters usually block Captcha and commenting. D’oh! In fact, that’s one thing I like about the DBMine redesign: the page views each piece gets. It’s good to see, “Oh, 318 people have read this….and only four have commented.”
It comes down to what people have said here: respect, effort, outreach. Every friendship I’ve made through social media has come by one of us relentlessly replying to the other, and conversations starting from there. (I mean, mutual interests are important too.)
And it’s essential for everyone NOT looking for new friends to maintain this as well. It’s natural and dangerously easy to find that small subset of friends and ignore the new people coming along– in ANY community, online or off. It’s something I am trying to be more conscious of in everyday life, having stood on both sides of the line and knowing the pain of isolation and joy of inclusion. I hope this post inspires others to be more conscious, too.
I also hope it inspires another essential that hasn’t been mentioned yet– critical thinking. In a vast web-based band of merrymakers like the DOC, it’s easy to do two things when you encounter an opinion opposite of yours: 1. lash out and call them wrong/an idiot/a bitch/fill in a shut-down-the-argument insult here, and 2. retreat to their sub-group where everyone thinks alike and holds hands and sings kumbayah, la la la. I was unhappy to see this in the Kerri vs. Nurse K debacle, on BOTH sides. Being part of a sprawling group like this not only means finding your own buddies and being friendly to others– it means respecting, considering, and thoughtfully engaging in others’ points of view, no matter how much you disagree.
Oh, the interwebz, they are magical!
Thank you, Allison. Wise words!
Thanks Vicki!