Last Spring, I lost about 15 lbs, on top of 10 lbs I lost the summer before. I was pretty excited. I felt good, I looked pretty good, and I was really happy with the way my photos turned out from my wedding. Unfortunately, as soon as that was over, so was my motivation to keep calorie counting and exercising. Take that and top it with an exile that involved eating out for every single meal for nearly two months, and you’ve got a case of serious calorie consumption. I haven’t gained all the weight back, but I have gained most of it back.
Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, I feel regret for letting all those weeks of hard work go to waste. Yes, I wish I could have looked better at my friend’s own wedding last week. But that’s just not how it worked out.
Although I’m not happy that I have to re-lose the weight I already lost, I’m confident because I have already done it. So there’s that. Silver lining or making lemonade out of lemons or somesuch crap, right? Only this time, I’m not going to think of there being a deadline. I’m not doing this for some event or for the summer bathing suit season or a reunion or anything like that. When I do reach my goal weight, I’m not going to stop. Because that’s how the cycle goes, right? You think you’re done and so you start slacking off. You start giving yourself permission to “cheat” or “go easy.” But that’s not how it works. Even the New York Times says that once you decide to lose weight, you always have to be conscious of what you’re doing. Your body wants to stay at where it is, and it will fight you in changing that. I know my body doesn’t want to lose the weight that it’s gotten used to. That’s why it was so easy to gain all that weight in such a short period of time. Even though many experts say that you can’t lose weight and keep it off, I don’t believe it. I’ve seen it and I know it can be done. But it isn’t easy and I can’t get it into my head that it will someday be over. I can’t think that someday I’ll be able to not think about what I’m eating. I’m sure occasionally I’ll be able to indulge, but these choices have to be thought-out. I have to incorporate things into my life in a healthy way.
I don’t like being overweight. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t feel good. I know that I’m not as healthy as I could be, and I know that I don’t look as good as I could. I’m not doing this for vanity’s sake, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that my appearance wasn’t at least a partial motivation. When I was younger, I never really worried about how I looked as compared to my weight. I never really thought I looked that bad. But now that my weight is creeping up even higher, I really am beginning to see a difference between how I looked then and how I look now. I don’t like the direction I’m heading, and that’s really the only thing that matters to me and it’s really the only thing that should matter to anyone else.
This year is all about Healthy Choices. Healthy choices for me.
See you next week!